Practising an appropriate, gendered behaviour

In the majority of narratives, it was highlighted how clashes occurred between partners because women were perceived not to conduct themselves appropriately within the marriage or intimate relationship. This entailed being a patient, obedient wife, silently bearing up under problems. The following case illustrates the diverse expectations of a young, newly wedded woman. Her daily life stressors were exacerbated by her husband’s daily consumption of alcohol, which eventually led her to self-harm.

The 24-year-old woman had recently married and moved into her family-in-law’s household. She explained what could be characterised as a number of stressors in her daily life. Behaving in a shame-fear manner, she explained how she was suffering from ‘fits’ (a form of epilepsy), had a hard time remembering, easily got tired and described herself as inept. She had previously self-harmed thrice. Precipitating one of the episodes was her mother-in-law scolding her for not contributing enough to the household: "they shouted at me and told me that I am doing nothing." Being scared how a pregnancy would affect her illness, she was secretly using contraception. Her husband often drank alcohol and when he came home drunk in the evening he blamed her for not having any children yet. She explained how this blame made her feel depressed. Usually she was quiet during such accusations, but on the night of the latest case of self-harm , she "lost her temper [and] couldn’t withstand it anymore." Consequently, she swallowed some of the medicine she took to control her illness. After the self-harm episode her in-laws and husband told her to bear up under the problems in her marriage and "(…) to be patient despite whatever the things other people say."

This case illustrates how the young woman was blamed for not living up to expected norms of marriage by neither taking sufficient care of the household nor being able, or willing, to conceive. These daily life stressors combined with her husband’s alcohol drinking caused her ‘loss of temper’ and she expressed the injustice done to her by self-harming. After the self-harm, her husband’s alcohol drinking reduced and the family took better care of her. The self-harm thus resulted in positive benefits to her.

Women’s incapability of living up to female norms of ‘bearing up under the problems’ of daily life was an explanation for self-harm in the above and many similar narratives. When presented with a vignette about a woman who self-harmed after fighting with her drunken husband, both young and elderly women in FGDs elaborated on how ‘such a wife’ (who would self-harm) was selfish and that:

She did not think about her children, she only thought about her [own] life. So, she is wrong. This proves that she does not have strength to bear up under things. Though we are confronted with a lot of problems, we, as mothers, should sacrifice our lives for our children.

This quote illustrates how Sri Lankan mothers were expected to be self-sacrificing, minding their family’s well-being before themselves. Highlighting one’s own needs was thereby not within the frame of acceptable behaviour. To be patient and accepting towards spouses’ alcohol consumption was also a distinct female norm. The socially appropriate strategy, as highlighted across age, gender, FGDs and narratives, was to stay silent in order to avoid conflicts. Middle-aged men in an FGD explained how it would generally create trouble to discuss matters with a drunken man. The wife of a 36-year-old shop owner mentioned how: "I don’t talk with him when he comes home after he has been drinking. Then we start to argue." Middle-aged men in an FGD further highlighted that in addition to staying silent when their spouses were intoxicated, women were also expected to ensure that their husbands stopped drinking. The incapability of changing husbands’ alcohol behaviour, however, was mentioned by many women.

Though all interviewed wives expressed a continuous effort to conform to norms of ‘bearing up under problems’ silently and strategically, they were in several cases blamed as the single cause of the marital conflict in their own or husband’s case of self-harm. More specifically, in the conflict situation they violated the norms of proper behaviour and did "not stay silent anymore." In five of the 10 narratives with men, it was mentioned how the event of self-harm was influenced by their wives’ questioning of their fidelity. A 35-year-old schoolteacher said he self-harmed due to his wife’s shameful accusations of him having affairs. Similarly, a 48-year-old man doing daily wage work mentioned how his wife’s suspicion after a phone call from an unknown woman was the reason for his self-harm episode: "She shouted at me saying that I have another affair, [and] so on." After the conflict, he drank by himself and then self-harmed by swallowing 15 allergy tablets. That women openly questioned men’s moral behaviour appeared to be a recurring factor in these explanations of self-harm. This was given more emphasis in interviews than whether the men actually did have affairs, which the words ‘another affair’ could refer to.

In general, spouses and community members perceived it to be wrong for both genders to display emotions and lose control. They described their marital conflicts, emotional outbursts and self-harm with being "overwhelmed by anger," as if these emotions came to them from the outside, justifying their cause for self-harm by highlighting their ‘wrong’ and externalised emotions and not as an end-result of stressful and unfortunate life situations. Being under the influence of alcohol was similarly explained as ‘not being in control of oneself’ and thus excused men’s outbursts of anger and episodes of self-harm. As a 36-year-old shop owner who was drunk at his time of self-harm said: “I wasn’t in my right senses… that’s why I did it [self-harm].” Alcohol drinking thereby became a way for men to disregard their actions, including self-harm, leaving their behaviour out of their hands.

His drinking, her distress

There was a common understanding among both genders in the FGDs that a man’s alcohol drinking was especially shameful for wives. In an FGD with elderly men in a semiurban setting, one explained how events following alcohol drinking could even be an "assassination of her character" and result in difficulties for the whole family. Domestic violence was an evident part of everyday lives in eight of the nine women’s self-harm narratives. The violence spanned from occurring occasionally to being a daily event. Alcohol was often involved and women in an FGD explained how it was the worst consequence of the drinking. What mainly shook the moral institution of the marriage was not the domestic violence itself however, but the shame attached when it occurred in public. A response to this shame was self-harm as was the case for the 30-year-old woman in the following case.

She emphasised her good relationship with her husband. However, when he drank she noted that: "my husband does not drink regularly, but when he is drunk it is really difficult to control." Preceding her case of self-harm, the whole family attended a wedding. The wife wanted to go home with the children and though it was socially unacceptable for her to walk home alone, her intoxicated husband refused to leave with her. Initially she kept quiet knowing his temper when drunk. After asking him again, they started fighting and he hit her in front of the other guests. This was extremely shameful for her. She walked home with the children and when her husband returned, she pretended to drink pesticides in front of him and was later taken to the hospital by family members.

This case illustrates a clash of expectations. It was anticipated that the husband would be drinking with the other men, while his wife expected him to live up to the notions of being a good husband and father. The woman felt ashamed for being hit in public, and also in how she was left uncared for. It was, however, problematic for her, and other women, to verbalise this. What is noteworthy is that the woman did not have to drink the pesticides to gain an effect. It was sufficient to pretend, thereby scaring her husband and showing her discontent for his actions.

The women’s narratives generally highlighted unfulfilled expectations to their husbands’ responsibilities within the marriage. Men’s inability or unwillingness to care for their families explained the conflicts and self-harm in five of the nine women’s self-harm cases. More specifically, men’s alcohol use led to what could be explained as stressful non-events for the wives, when husbands failed to prioritise and take action about their family’s well-being.

This was the case for a 42-year-old woman. She lived with her husband, a heavy alcohol user, and their youngest daughter. The wife was responsible for their finances, trying to save up for unforeseen expenses. This was made difficult by her husband’s heavy alcohol use. A daily hassle was her husband asking her for money to buy alcohol. At one visit we sat in the living room, furnished with appliances brought home from her time in the Middle East. The husband was lingering outside and called for her. Afterwards she explained how he asked for money for alcohol and how she was afraid to refuse him.

This negotiation about alcohol expenditure exemplifies several issues. The husband was not the main breadwinner, but in a position of inferiority, pleading for pocket money. Meanwhile, the wife was not in a position to challenge the supposed patriarch in the family about his spending, which would have been seen as an unacceptable behaviour. Instead, several women explained how they resorted to self-harm in order to "teach him a lesson" and thereby change their husbands’ alcohol behaviour. Although probably only in the short run, this strategy actually worked according to seven of the interviewed women.